Ash vs. Hellraiser

As I’m sure some of you have noticed I’ve been coming up with some new things to add to this blog and what I’ve came up with now is a series I’ll do ever so often called “VS.” (or verses) in this series I will merge two horror franchises together, give plot details to what the movie will be about and in the end I pick the winner..That being said, lets start off with a crossover that could make a lot of sense if done right, Ash (from Evil Dead) vs. Hellraiser!

The Story

The story would start in an old warehouse where shipments are being made to retail stores. One unnamed man is working overtime receiving shipments and sending them out (perhaps it’s around the holidays?). A shipment comes in that has several random products but also inside the box is none other than a very well known puzzle box! Taking a break from loading up a shipment that’s to be shipped out later that night the man makes the mistake of playing with the box and as you can guess he opens it up, The Cenobites show up he’s tore to pieces, the puzzle box is dropped inside the box being shipped out! The truck arrives to pick up the box seeing no signs of what has happen (he’s in a hurry) the man is pissed off he doesn’t see anyone around to load the shipment so tosses the box (ignoring the blood on it) in the truck and drives off to deliver it..oh and the shipment is going to none other than S-Mart!

A few days later (or in the time it takes to cut scene) we are at S-Mart were we spot none other than Ash Williams, years after kicking the ass of the Deadites and now being the Manager of S-Mart, Ash may be getting a little long in the tooth but he still has a way with the ladies. Case in point being a girl who works for S-Mart who Ash has been having random romps in the back with. Well on this particular day the girls is asked to unload a box that has arrived when she spots Ash during his break and shows some skin to lure him to the back. Well you know Ash, it doesn’t take you asking him twice.

While teasing our hero, the girl opens one of the boxes using things she pulls out of the box to help turn Ash on (maybe he’s on the green pill by now and needs help?)..most items will of course be comical..While doing this she picks up none other than the puzzle, Ash spots it and immediately gets a bad vibe from it, but the girl keeps forcing herself on him anyway as Ash tries to investigate the box while the girl is all over him. In the middle of it all the box gets touched just right opening it and turning the Cenobites loose in the back of the S-Mart! The girl is an easy target as Ash thinks quickly a reaches for a new Boomstick blasting Chatterer in the face with a blast! (perhaps ridding us of him?) Ash then announces he’s never been afraid of a little S&M (playing off the Cenobites leather cloths and chains)
Then you know we’d have to have some one liners as Ash gets introduced to Pinhead.

Moving along here, Ash makes it out but has no idea what he’s up against. This leads him to a library where Ash meets up with his next lady who happens to be a sexy librarian who offers Ash a “hand” in the situation *can we use Katy Perry?? ;)* She also knows all about Pinhead and his crew (she reads a lot after all). While all this is going on she shows Ash files online and in old papers about Kirsty Cotton and all the things that went down between her and The Cenobites, of course everyone in the news will have said she was crazy.

Digging deeper Ash needs something to help him fight the bastards off, that’s when the librarian finds something telling of a tale to which years and YEARS ago a deal apparently went bad between The Cenobites and something called Deadites. Turns out the Deadites were once suppose to rule side by side with the Cenobites before the deal went bad..insert whatever reason you want for that here..Needless to say Ash isn’t happy to hear that his only help in the matter could come from the same thing he battled for years. Ash however realizes he has no other choice, but he doesn’t have what he needs to do it..the Librarian just so happens to have the Necronomicon right there in the Library.

Cue the reading of the book to bring them out! Cue Ash being in way over his head having to battle both the Deadites and the Cenobites until he can get the two together causing a battle between the two of them. Maybe even add a group of geeks who work at the S-Mart that worship Ash and his ways and volunteer to help Ash battle the forces of evil..after all we do need a body count here.

The Winner
Well as you could guess Ash always wins, Pinhead and friends always lose but always come back later. So Ash would find a passage in the Necronomicon that when read with the help of the Puzzle Box will ultimately defeat both evil groups and rid the world of them…for now.

And who knows, just for fun we could say in the middle of it all S-Mart gets blown up and all the remains (what little remains there is) gets picked up and sent out to be given to another S-Mart that’s being opened up in some place called Haddonfield, Illinois? And the last shot we see is an old book and puzzle box being loaded up.

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